My posts should always be positive? Is that the social media lie I’ve chosen to believe? Always sending out an upbeat view of where I’m at?
Well this week I’ve hit rock bottom – both physically and mentally.
I love my work. I love being creative. I so want to produce content that touches lives. That doesn’t change. But I have to balance this with how to make a living. And this week that feels harder than it has ever felt.
This week my grant application for Developing My Creative Practice has been rejected, at the first hurdle. Hours of preparation rejected by a one-page letter. I know so many others have been there, but that struggles to help in this moment.
A cruel and heartless government that has taken away all my wife’s benefits; leaving her with nothing to live on, yet she’s unable to work. And they’re doing the same to so many others, far more vulnerable than we are.
A crowdfunding attempt that’s struggling to ignite and get anywhere close to funding the thousand plus hours required to produce the seven Confident Rhymers books that will deliver a new confidence course in schools. I cringe when asking for money; it can feel so awkward and embarrassing.
I feel exhausted. I feel demoralised. I feel I’m always having to search, try so many doors – and have so many slam back in my face. That’s life, I guess, in whatever sphere.
Do I wallow? For awhile – these words testify to that.
Do I give up? No.